the last day of summer

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

randomly, you dumped yourself into one of those red seats. you didn't pick numbers for
the sake of it anymore. you didn't even care to note the details on those orange slips, was
it the scheduled time? did you get the date right? were you heading the right place? the
last strands of whites and browns you picked off your long sleeves reminded you of every
little and big thing that the train literally trucked you away from, hastily. and you wouldn't
admit that you wished it could slow down. it wouldn't make any difference anyway. you
wished that that moment could freeze. in fact, you had wished for many other moments to
freeze too. seriously, you needed to realise that they were never going to. you need to. the
mind kept switching to blanks, and you simply forced it, pushed it and over worked it. you
desperately wanted to see, to think, to breathe, to smell, to remember, to not forget. so you
began tracing back the last two thousand eight hundred and eighty minutes before you got
into this transition. you hadn't slept a wink but you could barely feel it, because there were
so much more to be felt. anger, nerves, fright, ache, worry, anxiety, empathy, shame, urge,
sick, strength, faith, gratitude, grit, drive, grief, empty, placid, flat, doubt, trauma, fucked.
these ideas didn't swarm you altogether, they came orderly, one after another, few seconds
each and in repetition. the train darted into a tunnel which broke your chainsaw of thoughts.
lights and sounds were eliminated as abruptly as sanity was returned to your head, until the
rail escaped out of pitch darkness, back into the grey skies and greenless trees again. hello
reality! you didn't keep count of the number of times you had greeted her in two days. she
couldn't be more candid with you, you returned the gesture with no less. you had given up
challenging her, running away from her and even attempting to build a bridge with and to
her. you simply allowed her to rape you. you have never been so intense yet complying at
the same time. the picture outside the window stopped moving. it was time. you wrestled
with the load on your shoulders, to keep a balance, to walk properly and to look ordinary.
you felt like the heaviest possible thing that existed, and everyone around including every
non-living thing that was stuck to the ground was floating. you needed to lose that weight
or your head. you tried to convinced yourself, "i am not dying, i am struggling to survive."

posted by peenutkew # 01:25 0 comments

run

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

away from the snow stuck between those rubbers,
where the flakes, bits and traces cannot leave trails behind.
run away from the person you wanted to be,
that person that you thought you almost were.
maybe you can try telling yourself it is better this way,
so that it's easier to forget you've wanted it the other way.
the wind will smack you repeatedly, and in your face,
the grounds will grind your feet mercilessly and push your legs behind your chest.
you just bite your teeth and keep that chin above your neck,
stay in that same motion, that one direction.
run away from the questions you couldn't find answers to,
the answers you didn't find time to fill,
the letters without envelopes, stamps or addresses,
the alphabets inside folders, stuck in a device, inside your pocket,
outdated, unsent, and you are still too scared to touch.
the numbers, the dates, the events you hadn't penned.
the things, the places, the entries you hadn't stored.
those things you clenched inside your head,
the flashes, vivid moments, familiar sounds, comfort zones,
words spoken, scotching sun, laser beams, narrow corridors,
pouring rain, dimmed staircases, frosty walks, racing hearts,
chasing dreams, short changes, mingy chances,
sugared jars, crunchy boxes, takeaways,
bottles, bulbs, tickets, transactions, needles, ink, blood,
photographs, clouds, trains, boats, seagulls, trucks,
tubs, wings, cocoa, fabrics, tokens, prizes, threads, stitches,
drives, rides, cards, tiles, cigarettes, secrets, frills, thrills,
scenes, sins, couch, grouch, sheets, shits, desire, tire,
trials, flops, pride, shame, joy, pain, faith, dismay,
merits, discredits, harvest, stride, stakes, plates,
brawl, silence, elation, swing, good, bad, best, worst,
love, hope and short of one leap.
something, everything, anything and just nothing in between.
run, even if you don't know where you are heading,
doesn't matter whether you aren't ready,
don't have the right shoes, haven't got a map,
or you actually don't really want to.
at least you will somehow get somewhere.

i am not afraid of running,
the hardest part of all, is leaving you.

posted by peenutkew # 11:54 0 comments

lift

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

lucky for us,
you still have words to type, on a canvas i can read.
and i feel each letter from punctuation to number,
without an indication which indicates a lot, and too well.

lucky for you,
that i remember by hard, the words that have been spoken,
way before anything had happened.
and did you think i was too drunk,
or delirious. too swallowed or maybe wrapped up.

lucky for me,
my eyes seek for lights in this pitch.
i hear things that do not entirely find their ways to mine.
i threw your hands away, and you simply had them hidden by your hips.
just so today comes again,
that i can still have an idea of how a grip looks like.

posted by peenutkew # 22:56 0 comments

sobreviviente

Sunday, January 31, 2010

love is an incredible thing.
it makes us do wonderful things,
and then it blinds us from the pain we do to others
when we start to center ourselves with "self".
i am guilty.

love is so enormous yet it is too weak to live on its own.
and constantly we take it for granted till we start kicking our heads
when our grants are up.
too many people will agree yet do nothing about.
i keep slapping myself for tripping over a stone,
knowing too well another will come my way not too far away.
until the fall cripples me finally,
too late but just in time to learn.
and i mean learn.

my arms are never very strong,
but they are going to remain stretched,
this time in the right way.

posted by peenutkew # 08:07 0 comments

around i, the vows

Sunday, January 24, 2010

for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish;
from this day forward until death do us part.

posted by peenutkew # 23:02 0 comments

all the words i can find

Friday, January 15, 2010

posted by peenutkew # 09:17 0 comments

Friday, January 08, 2010

i have plenty of ink.

posted by peenutkew # 09:25 0 comments

eighteen months later

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

what happened to her white rims and seat.
why did you make her shoulder an ugly black haversack.

posted by peenutkew # 08:49 0 comments

Saturday, December 26, 2009

home, brings about all kinds of emotions, and i have been trying extremely hard,
to keep up with her surprises on a daily basis.

tampines feels a load lesser like home than it used to, to me at least.
marine parade feels as sexy as ever, since sixteen years ago.
orchard has gotten quite scary. i dont know how to keep up with her.
i am still trying to feel for pasir ris. but at least i know her arms have always been opened.

there are a few places i realise i will probably never go to again,
a few others i know that i have clearly been banned from.
i am not as angry anymore, not for long at least.
i am not as prideful anymore, partially because i havent a lot left.
i am not less optimistic, because i have seen a lot worse.
i am not without fear, just that i have learnt to live with it.
i am not hopeless, i still have a happy handful of those.

the year is ending, and i am still holding on to my imaginary baton,
looking for someone to pass it onto.

"its not a relay, keep going!"

posted by peenutkew # 17:20 0 comments

Saturday, December 19, 2009

i walked me to a corner,
cupping both ears with my palms,
pretending not to know, not to remember, not to hear.
refraining from saying, screaming, raging.
but i cannot not feel.

what do they want from us?
why does she spit in our path?
how do i go on from here?
where can i run, to you?

my hand is still with you, even though it is good as empty.

i have been waiting for you to get off the middle,

so i can leave this corner.

posted by peenutkew # 13:43 0 comments

with me

Thursday, December 17, 2009

come out and play.

posted by peenutkew # 16:24 0 comments

craze

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

it is extremely idiotic to wake up in the morning
remembering the repulsive things i said the night before,
and wishing i had chosen different words.

this has kept my hands from literally pulling your hair out from your head
and my heart still in your hands.

crazy, to be fighting about the same things for the last three years.
and crazy enough, to be passionate about the same thing for the last three years.

posted by peenutkew # 07:46 0 comments

tuesdays with morrie

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

i watched this film a few years ago,
got stuck to it and subtly announced how much i liked,
or appreciated its meaning but never got around to practise it.
today i chanced upon its title,
and remembere what the story tells anyone who watches it.

would i have lived my life differently?
no, because there was no way i would have known how i could have,
better lived it.
not that i am having the most fantastic time of mine,
but simply because out of its worst,
i have done, in my best capacity to let my worst/best be known.
and i have dove hard and far as i could, though not should.
i have wanted and let my wants be known,
loved, though not particularly correctly, but with my hardest.

wanting and on top of loving.
because i know i cannot say the word love correctly,
i cant only feel it.
because i can only want and show/tell/demand how much i do.
i want. it is a desire.
love is such a noble feeling that i can only feel,
but not correctly execute.

posted by peenutkew # 22:43 0 comments